Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bsmag627's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 1st, 2009
8:12 pm	I'm witnessing my parents growing further and further apart everyday. My dad is on the verge of a mental breakdown because his mother is such a fucking mess that he can't even stand to be in the same room as her his sisters are in complete denial about how bad her situation is, and they keep making decisions that make everything worse. my mom spends most of her time on facebook because she doesn't want to deal with her real life and that's pretty much the same with me. zeke is...zeke is responsible for my near physical and mental collapse daily. he has now started peeing on the bed, in the middle of the night, while i'm asleep. maybe this is the motivation i need to train him to sleep in his own bed. if he's not in the same room as me, and somehow in contact with me, he's whining. i have to get out of here. chances are very good that i'm going to work for my cousin in florida. but not until the middle of october. october 15th to be exact. the one year anniversary of putting kobe to sleep. if it were up to me, i'd move tomorrow (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
6:03 pm	i'm starting Alli tomorrow. hopefully this will really help jump start me in the weight loss area. because while i'd love to lose about 30 pounds by nessa's wedding, i'm coming to the conclusion that it will more like be about 5. so... fingers crossed that i'll be able to resist being a disgusting fatass. seriously though, please cross your fingers, because every other attempt of mine has been worthless. but lily will be here in 6 days. it's hard to be upset about anything when i know that soon i will be staring at lily in person, not via facebook. and we're boarding the dogs for the day. hallelujah. also, someone please find me a cool job that won't make me want to kill myself. thanks. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 19th, 2009
10:38 pm	i'm done with my dad's sisters. i'm done with every single one of them. they can all eat huge disease-infested dicks. it's really unfortunate that the only thing that will make them realize they are selfish and wrong is when something really bad happens to grandma. i just want to kick each and every one of them in their faces. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 31st, 2009
5:56 pm	mamaw's in the hospital grandma's deteriorating. fast. we've gotten two calls in the last two weeks that she's wandering around her assisted living building, waiting for jim to pick her up. jim being her husband who died over two years ago. i'm not making any strides toward losing weight. well, nothing significant anyway. everyone hates zeke. and even though i know it's not his fault, i hate him for living when kobe had to die tim calls about once a week to rant about how much he hates one of the following: lisa, arizona, or his entire life. i got invited to nessa's wedding, and the invitation was addressed to ms. elizabeth smagacz. and it really fucking hurt my feelings to stare at a piece of paper basically confirming the fact that no one really gave a shit about me in college. i was simply an extent of britty. i miss jordie. then i get annoyed with myself for pursuing a guy that lives in st. louis and isn't coming back any time in the forseeable future. o'shea...has disappeared from my life, for the most part. i've seen him twice in the last two months. and it really sucks because he used to be my best friend. and even if we didn't hang out, i at least heard from him. usually a couple times a week. went to megan's birthday party and she's turned into one of those people that thinks they're better than me because she lives in the city. three separate incidents resulted in megan saying, 'they're from the suburbs.' as if that automatically makes me mentally challenged or some sort of leper. ps, you are also from the suburbs. i can't find a job. but i'm not looking nearly as hard as i should be. i honestly don't really care if i get a job in the near future either, which is horrible considering what i do with my time. the most interaction i get all day is from my dogs and inanimate objects. i mostly can't stand living in this house, but i'm afraid if i move out, my mom's going to have an emotional meltdown and i don't want that on my conscience. not that she would discourage me from leaving, but i know it would make her life a thousand times harder if i wasn't at home cleaning and doing laundry while she's at work. vince reached out to me a few months ago. i haven't pinpointed how i feel about it yet. i miss him. i know that much. and while part of me understands that friendship with vince will undeniably end up with me falling for him again, part of me just doesn't care. i'm really tired of pretending i don't love him, that i'm still pissed at him when every part of our lives together has involved decisions on both our parts. is life more complicated when he's around? yes. is life more exciting when he's around? yes. so really, who wants to live a simple, boring life devoid of someone who is incredibly important to me, and always will be. i'm tired of depriving myself of someone i miss. just don't tell anyone because they all think i'm strong enough to live without him. my dad got promoted. which is good. but he's traveling an awful lot which can be hard for my mom. i really missed kobe last night. it was a beautiful night and i was sitting on the deck just wishing he was on my lap; sniffing the air and enjoying the breeze with me. i miss him so much. i've thought about going to grad school. but only because i don't really want to find a job. so i feel like that's not the best solution. but maybe it is. who knows. i obviously don't. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 15th, 2009
12:28 am	Last time I updated this thing it seemed like i should've been on suicide watch. jesus. i'm happy to report that things are much better than two months ago. i switched meds and have already seen signs of improvement. my new drug, cymbalta, is a different classification of drugs...different than zoloft and lexapro. i was on those two for extended periods of time and both just lost effectiveness after a while. hopefully...this new one will be the one for me. I completely altered my eating habits and have lost about 10 pounds. i'm not at the place i want to be, but i'm taking the appropriate steps and i trust that soon i'll be back to my previous level of hot. i have a new mac notebook and it's probably my favorite thing in the universe. i had a job. for just under a month. the first two weeks i was totally optimistic and thought it was something that would really last. turns out, that place is a disaster area. i was a front desk supervisor at a doctor's office with four other receptionists. fuck my life, that place was a total joke. if i was a patient at that practice, i would complain every time about the receptionists. terrible. not to mention at least one doctor there is a total prick. yelled at me in front of other staff and patients because i forgot to tell him i added a patient to his schedule. dude...please be calm. the guy is here for a sinus infection, he wasn't massively bleeding from his neck, i think a 10 minute wait will be okay. maybe it'll build up his endurance and sinus infections won't be such a problem in the future. i apologized to the doctor. and he just kept on me. so i turned and said, 'i made a mistake. i don't know what else you want me to say.' the next day, i was fired for my attitude. all in all, i'm glad i was fired, because i really wanted to quit, but wasn't going to. and being fired just made the decision for me. i made enough money for aforementioned mac notebook. it was a shitty two weeks, but it gave me my beautiful notebook. ::strokes notebook:: so beautiful. i have a huge crush on a guy. HUGE. he's so cute. i almost can't take it sometimes. but he lives in st. louis. fuck my life again. because i really like him. on the other hand, i keep accidentally kissing this guy brian while drunk. i don't know why it keeps happening. well...it's really only been like twice, so it's not every time, but still. i think it's cuz i'm really lonely and brian is cute and...ya know...there. i keep flirting with eric, too. i should probably stop that because i know it's never going to go anywhere. but the attention doesn't hurt my ego. maybe that's a shitty thing to say and do, but whatever. you only live once. we're not hurting anyone because we're not actually doing anything about it. hanging out with colleen has been my saving grace these past few months. she's so fucking funny and awesome and she doesn't give a fuck what people think, and that's an influence i can really learn from. or i should really learn from. i'll let you know how that pans out. i've also been hanging with britty more lately which is way cool. i need to start looking for jobs near my grandma's house so we can actually move in together. the downside of that is that oshea, mikey and brian are talking about moving to arlington heights, which is like 20 minutes in the opposite direction of the woodridge house. so that would suck a lot. so let's see...i still need an actual job. i still need to lose like 30 pounds. and i still need to meet my niece. i want to see her so badly. and vince is single. i know, totally unrelated and yet, totally on my mind as of late. i just found out a few days ago because i saw that his ex-girlfriend's status was single on facebook (yes, i'm aware of the level of pathetic that is, but watch me not care). none of our mutual friends told me and i'm not sure if it's because they didn't know, or it didn't come up or they didn't want me to know or because really the only one that would've told me is rachel and i hardly ever hang out with her anymore. plus i have this secret fear that rachel and vince are going to fall in love and live happily ever after and then i'll have to kill myself. part of me knows it's a totally irrational fear...like rachel-and-vince-a-phobia or something, and yet, it's there. it's a never ending saga between us. i want him in my life. i always have. but i don't know how to be friends with him, i never have. the root of any relationship we ever had was sex. i've written so many words about him and me and us and the possibility of us that any more words just seem useless. i come off as bitter and angry about that whole situation when the truth is, i'm still just heartbroken. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
11:29 pm	year in review. sort of. a friend of mine did this thing for the new year where he went back over each month of the previous year and talked about his whole 2008. i thought that it was an idea worth trying, so i started looking back on my 2008. i wish i hadn't. positives: i graduated being in cleveland for the election election night sister road trip getting closer to jordan hanging out with devin again reconnecting with colleen seeing kyla again aaaaaand that's about it. negatives: where do i start? tyler vince devin eric vince again graduating with no sense of direction fighting with my mom not having a job working at wfp gaining 40 pounds 40 POUNDS. JESUS. I AM SO DISGUSTING. losing kobe. oh god, i miss him so much. i don't know how to handle it sometimes. i just want his little face to appear again. i just want to pet him again. i just want kisses from him again. they left me all alone and he got sick and died. i wasn't ready. god it hurts so much. i just miss him, god, i miss him so much. tim's girlfriend got pregnant. they found out mere days after he told everyone they were over for good. now he lives in arizona with her. i'm going to get to see my niece maybe a couple times a year. i'm so...i don't even know the word for what i am. vince. man, people reading this journal must get sick of seeing his name appear. i know i do. and while, so far, in 2009, it hasn't been an issue(other than the fact that thinking of him makes me sick), he destroyed about 1/4 of my 2008. my anti-depressant has giving me the most insane food cravings ever. and i've allowed myself to put on a bunch of weight. and i can't get motivated to lose it. even though every time i see myself, i hate myself. i hate everything about the way i look. everything. i need a job. i ended up back at the doctor's office, like i knew i would. i hate working there. every time i know i have to go into work, i hate it. i cut friday night. for the first time in...16 months. i knew it would happen again eventually. i don't know why i did it. all i know is that i wanna do it again. my parents left me in charge of the house again. they did it in october too. i'm not sure what made any of us think that i could possibly handle this again, but they're gone. won't be back til saturday. i'm unhappy with every aspect of my life. there's not one thing that i look at that gives me any sort of happiness. the only force in my life that consistently puts me in a good mood is o'shea and colleen. i'm not sure where i would be without them. and they don't even realize it. i skipped my counseling appointment last week. i don't know why. i just didn't want to go. i know i should go. i know that going to rhonda would help with a lot of the obvious issues i'm dealing with, but it's almost like i want to stay on my downward spiral. i weened myself off my lexapro because i need to be on something different, and now i'm crying constantly. about shit that i shouldn't be crying over. like 'charmed' and sentimental slow-motion montages of random shit on tv, shit i don't even care about. but mostly kobe. because i hate living in this house without him. i hate it so much. i hate waking up and taking care of fozzey and zeke. i hate falling asleep with only 2 dogs in my bed. i hate that every time zeke looks at me, i just want him to be kobe. everyday i wake up and wish i was someone else. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 6th, 2008
3:21 pm	what'd i tell ya? "your life is an occasion; rise to it" (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
8:46 pm	i'm going to get obama nominated president. single-handedly by the power of my cleavage. that is my decision. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2008
6:54 pm	fuck you. seriously. how am i still here after all these goddamn years? what do you do to me? you make me crazy. every time i'm with you - it's like i've had a lobotomy. why can i forgive you a million times over, but never learn? did pearson teach me nothing? apparently not. so, in all seriousness, just don't. i don't want to hear it. i don't ever want to have to fake pleasantries with you again. i ruin my life for you. it probably gives you a sick sense of satisfaction, knowing the power you have over me. i've had time to mourn. i cried for all the things i will never get from you. i cried for the things i reduce myself to for you. i cried for your girlfriend. blissfully unaware of the shit you've pulled. i cried for that night. and how, once again, you reduced me to 'that girl.' fuck you for that. you knew, you just knew i couldn't say no to you - because i never have. you disgust me. remembering that night makes me want to vomit. i'm tired of being mad at myself. i' more than ready to be undeniably enraged with you. you and your smug face and whispered promises. you calling me your friend but treating me like trash. you making me hate myself after i vowed to never be so low again. you are a piece of shit. you treat me horribly - people you call friends; people you claim to love. i am so over your persona. you're a bully - plain and simple. you intimidate people into remaining friends with you because god forbid anyone upset you. we weren't friends. i was the girl you kept around. i was your faithful little slut. i've never felt as low before. was it worth it? (Comment on this)
Monday, July 21st, 2008
1:06 am	i lied earlier i mean, not about being happy, because i am i don't know if you even still read this i still read yours...to torture myself i miss you everyday i wish we knew how to be friends not a day has gone by that i haven't wanted you in my life again it makes me crazy that you're still with her. i don't even know her. but i just imagine you could do better the things you said to me that night you took advantage of the fact that i have always wanted you and i don't know if i can forgive you and we both know i can't forget you so i'm stuck here wanting you back in my life but needing you out of my life i can't survive...i can't thrive waiting for you to love me i have to have a life outside of sitting around, making stupid decisions, hoping you'll see through me, hoping you'll see through your own bullshit to know... to know what? that we belong together? that she's not good enough for you? that you need someone who will challenge you? who will make you think? who am i to know what you need? maybe she is what you need, and what i need is to stop worrying about what you need i know i have a penchant for the dramatic or the melodramatic sometimes both but believe it's the truth when i say i wish i knew how to make a relationship with you something other than self destructive i still miss you every single day (Comment on this)
12:17 am	a lot's happened graduation vacation friendships crushes ending things beginning others i'm happy, which is weird for me to say granted there's things in my life i'm not thrilled about i've gained some weight and i don't have a real-person job but i like where things are going i've actually grown up it took a long time for me to understand the term 'friend' for a long time, i relied on my mom and my sister and that's all fine and good but because we're related, it's always going to be different there's always going to be things that can't be discussed between us, or shouldn't be discussed. and i'm totally okay with that situation this is about ryan o'shea and how lucky i am to have him in my life he's a friend. a true friend. and in this day and age, when everyone seems out to get something from someone, he's not when he calls me i smile when he texts me i respond when we hang out, there's no pressure there's no judgement and for once in my life, there's no sexual tension i can't begin to describe how refreshing it is hanging out with a guy and i know for a fact that he's not thinking about what he can get out of me so many of my 'friendships' have been guys using me, and i've been blind to it for so long when he makes jokes about my boobs, i know they're jokes neither of our slates are clean and it's helped us bond in a way i was unfamiliar with for a very long time he's just my best friend. and it's refreshing to know that i'm also his. we talked about his relationship with mark recently, and how they used to be best friends. then he said he thought that mikey was probably his new best friend. and i, of course, said: besdies me, naturally and he sincerely said: well i mean, you're the constant. no matter where anyone else goes, or how those relationships change, there's always you and it made my heart light in an amazing way it wasn't about sex it wasn't about anyone else he doesn't lie to me, he doesn't expect anything from me when i tell him i'm tired...he gets it when he tells me he's tired...i understand this isn't about forcing each other to hang out, even if we're both exhausted and don't want to spend money on booze and small talk we hang out when we both want to hang out i've never had something like this before, this honest friendship with a man. i thought i had a crush on him a year ago. well, i did have a crush, and people make references to us being together, but we're honestly more than that. i know, without a doubt, that i will not lose him. he won't put me in a shitty situation just to get something for himself he won't lie to me he won't make my life worse and for a guy...that's new territory (Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2008
2:28 pm	Spike: Don’t do that. Don’t rationalize this into some noble act. ‘Cuz we both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you. Buffy: No. Spike: You need the pain we cause you, you need the hate, you need it to do your job, to be the slayer. Buffy: No. I don’t hate like that. Not you, not myself, not anymore. You think you have insight now, because your soul’s drenched in blood? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
12:06 am	i need to get laid stat (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
10:01 pm	Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall But watching stars without you, my soul cried. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
1:20 am	my sister and i talked for 2 hours the other night about my cutting she was doing a paper where she interviews someone about addiction it was weird, being so candid with her i'd never come out and told her i didn't really want her to know but i'm glad we talked about it, because now she really knows where i've been it was hard really really hard how do you admit to your best friend that there was a time you truly hated yourself? not something that's easy to confess or explain i have no explanation i mean, sure, it started with pearson but i brought it on myself i don't know it's been over six months i'm insanely proud of that with everything that's happening, it would be easy to drown but i'm doing okay well most of the time there are moments that i allow myself a sob fest just a momentary one to think about everything that's happened and everything else that will never happen i miss him so much i knew it would be hard and sometimes are manageable i go out with people and don't think about it but then i'll hear a song or remember a conversation and it's really hard to not beg him back into my life but i can't i need to be done with him at least for a while i need to fall out of love with him and i don't really know how long that could take it's hard to think that this is the easy part because he's a hundred miles away once i'm graduated and back i don't know i hope it won't be harder because if it gets harder than this, i don't know how i'll manage (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
11:55 pm	how many times can a heart break? how long can a person live shattered into pieces? i don't know how to survive this this is a new level of fucked i was in love with you regardless of who you were with i wore my heart on my sleeve for you desperately waiting for you to want it you never did and so i walked away not when i should have of course not when your offer stood waiting in the air your crumb your offer of a dirty moment of closeness no, i didn't walk away then but now now after i've played the scene over ten million times in my head i don't know where to go i don't know how i was in love with you- your smile and your jokes in love with your attitude and opinions in love with the idea that you wanted me still after all these years the hardest part of walking away is i'm in love with you still no matter the shit we drag each other through you're still it for me your smile and your jokes your attitude and your opinions i denied it for years because i thought i was protecting myself i can't deny it anymore i'm in love with you and i don't know how how can i walk away? but how can i not? every conversation we've ever shared haunts me the good, the funny, the intense, the dirty i feel like everything you've ever said to me is flowing through my veins so do i open them and release your words? no i don't i want to but i won't you're the man of my dreams and the man of my nightmares vince, please please PLEASE tell me what to do (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 19th, 2008
12:53 am	i think the worst part of having a head cold is that it's so frustrating, all i want to do is cry but if i cry that will just make it all the worse god i feel like my head's about to explode i have some really tough decisions to make about the people in my life and how much longer they can remain in my life i'm just willing and that's all i've been for way too long it's time for that to change mistakes have been made and they will continue to be made until i can figure out a way to finally rid myself of the poisonous people in my life i wish i had the strength (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
8:42 pm	for as long as i can remember, i've been somebody's secret i've never had the self-esteem to demand more i hope i'll find it in me soon because if this keeps up, i'll be driving to dekalb in the middle of the night, but not be aknowledged as anything i'm so tired of people being ashamed of being with me (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
10:47 pm	Spring Break. Thank Christ. It was pretty much amazing. Lauren and I got home Thursday afternoonish. Don't remember much of that night. I think we probably just kicked it at home and watched some tv. Oh wait, we went out to dinner at famous dave's and i stuffed myself with cornbread muffins. makes me want some right now actually. friday was more chillin. my mom got a facial and i...slept a lot. i don't remember much. oshea and i went to get his hair cut, then we went to ruby tuesdays for dinner. then we picked up my manson book i missed that book so much. i read it over break in about three hours. i forgot how fuckin funny that book is. then we met up with rachel and a friend of ryan's from work at gameworks. we drank a couple beers and played some mario kart and ended up with about 1200 tickets in my purse. so that was pretty sweet. got myself some airheads, which i'm all about. saturday and i rach went to fox and found for lunch, which was pretty yummy she seems to be doing well apparently she's training for some 5-mile run that she's doing so of course she's in fabulous shape bitch just kidding i love her sunday britty came to visit!!! i missed her so much and i haven't seen her since she graduated, which was almost three months ago! it was so so so good to see her my mom gave us these giftcards to maggiano's, so we went and at delicious food practically for free then we came back to the house and were just visiting and talking then we were watching old gilmore girls it was just like old times :sigh: all that was missing were carlos chips and salsa she seems to be doing well she's working at a place called mimi's cafe she says she really likes it, so that's definitely good things with david seemed to have cooled down a little they are still together, but she's not crazy 'lets get married right away' which is really awesome, cuz i was afraid it might happen, even tho i know britty's smarter than that monday...monday...i believe is the day i slept til about...2 which was excellent then lauren and i went to the eye doctor, then lifetime and then barnes and noble where i bought stephen colbert's book which is pretty fuckin hysterical so i am pleased with that purchase tuesday i went to work...well before we get there, we must discuss early tuesday morning and the phone call i received at 1 am from boy asking me what i was doing which was sleeping at that point he had a friend from home over at his apartment and they were just hanging out and he knew i was on break, so he wanted to invite me over to which i said, if i didn't have work at 10:00, i'd totally drive over so we chatted for a few minutes then hung up and i proceeded to not be able to fall back asleep so i yahoo mapped dekalb and it was only an hour away and i thought...that's not that bad of a drive i can be home before work tomorrow you only live once so off i went once again, he was so surprised that i actually drove to see him i'm not sure if it's because he's not used to girls showering him with attention, or because he invites me places with the idea that i won't actually show up i prefer the former explanation so i got there had a beer fell asleep with him and left at 7 work was a little brutal, but it wasn't nearly the worst day i've ever had at work therefore i'd do it again in a heartbeat mom wasn't pleased when i told her that i went there in the middle of the night, but basically i told her that it made me happy to see him so there wasn't a whole lot she could do about that we left for golconda wednesday morning and lauren drove the whole way we were going to leave tuesday but there were floods where we were going, so we decided to wait until the next day other people didn't really get there until late thursday, but once they did, it was glorious easter-ness jilly came with her baby, rossalyn, or rosie as they call her oh my god that baby is so happy and adorable all the time seriously, i think i heard her cry...twice? she was just unbelievably cute and outgoing and happy and i was her favorite cousin of the weekend so that was really fun for me she fell asleep while i was rocking her a couple of times, and i got to feed her and carry her around tons it was a really great feeling emma and aidan arrived late friday and early saturday and it was the same thing aidan's a little older, about 16 months, so he was walking around and climbing on things. emma is 10 months so she's crawling pretty well, but still needs to be carried around most places which was fine with me she wasn't quite as outgoing as rosie, but she warmed up to me nicely aidan was a total riot he would throw these little temper fits if someone did something he didn't like, he would walk a few steps away and seriously like throw his body down onto the ground and started a mini-sob fest for like 10 seconds. then someone would appear with something that made a funny noise and he snapped out of it real quick it was just a really really good visit i didn't get to see one of my aunts because she got really sick and decided not to come. but it worked out nicely in the end because we ended up a bed short at our house, so i got to sleep in my own bed at my mamaw's house instead. it was rather nice. i finished another book while there as well. 'the boelyn inheritance' by the same woman who wrote 'the other boelyn girl.' i really like her style of writing. so that's finished and i started, 'the bonesetter's daughter' by amy tan i read 'the one hundred secret senses' a while ago and liked that, so we'll see how this one goes i keep forgetting that i'm actually still in school and therefore won't have hours upon hours of free time to read like i did this past week but hopefully i'll have some time i also bought a bunch of cheap movies because our hollywood video is going out of business, so they literally were selling every movie in the store for $3 or $4.50. so i got the following, all for $18: transamerica, brick, vera drake, the quiet american, a guide to recognizing your saints, and half nelson i haven't seen any of them except brick, but they're all ones that i've wanted to see in the past, and it was cheaper to just buy them than rent them speaking of movies, we rented 'the namesake' and it was incredible it told the story of this Indian family and the son wants to change his name, but then his father tells him the story behind his name, so the son starts thinking about the meaning of his name and his relationship with his dad it was just really really touching and it made me want to hug my dad a lot ok, well that's the longest update i've done in a while so now i'm going to watch one of my new movies and go to bed hope everyone that actually still reads this had a good easter and if you don't celebrate easter, well then...i hope you had a good last couple of weeks that you haven't known what's happening in my life aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
12:24 am	Carla: You want to know what she looks like...did she ask what you look like? J.D.: No, she can tell I'm handsome. I have a husky voice: "Hellllooo, baby!" Carla: Well, why don't you look into your heart and see how it feels? J.D.: My heart hates uggos. my life is busy and boring therefore i shall commence posting funny things from shows i love that is all (Comment on this)