Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bsmag627's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, December 24th, 2011
1:11 pm	goddammit i am so fucking sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011
1:49 am	if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else? (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2011
9:56 pm	you don't get past it. it just becomes part of who you are. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2011
2:43 pm	when you can't run, you crawl and when you can't crawl you find someone to carry you (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
12:20 am	i know i'm doing the right thing but fuck... it hurts and i miss you so much every day (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2011
3:22 pm	every time i try and start looking into career and job and school stuff, i get so fucking anxious that i pick all my eyebrows out. why can't i just fucking calm down? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
1:05 am	i hope i'm not banking too much on this meeting in peoria. because chances are, i'm going to end up right back where i started. please cross your fingers. i need to get out of here. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2011
3:50 am	perfect. fucking perfect. no. no you shouldn't fucking talk to me about this. what the fuck were you thinking? what the fuck do you want from me? huh? what!? i told you. i TOLD you, it hurts me to see you with someone else. why on earth would you think this was the proper response? because the way i see it...either you understood what i said and just decided to disregard it, or you didn't care enough to listen to me. i've loved you for 10 fucking years. 10 years. and this is what i get. i know. i know it's my own goddamned fault. i know i should have seen this coming 100 fucking miles away. fuck you. fuck you and everything you've ever fucking said to me. i wish i had never fucking met you. you make me sick. you make me want to fucking run my car into traffic. you make me want to curl up into a little pathetic ball of misery and never come up for air. you make me want to beat the shit out of you. god that would feel good. i fucking hate you. i FUCKING HATE YOU. you're a miserable piece of shit and i hope you die. no. it's not that. i wish i didn't care. i wish i was just...apathetic. i wish i felt the way about you the way you obviously feel about me. nothingness. that i'm too unimportant to even fucking consider my feelings before you start talking. because seriously? what did you want from me? i TOLD YOU. i told you it fucking hurts. i told you i didn't want to hear about it. i TOLD YOU. you make me want to hurt myself. you are a fucking poison. i haven't cut in a year and a half. and you make me want to take a goddamn razor to my wrist just to feel something other than disgust for myself. just to feel something other than my own self loathing. YOU do this to me. does it make you feel special? it fucking should. i hope you two are very happy together. i hope you live a blissful life full of love and devotion and weddings and babies and then i hope she fucking stomps your heart into pieces. i have to get out of here. this place is cancer. i can't stay here. i can't fucking stay here. and a big part of it is you. YOU. i won't lie and say that my parents aren't part of it, my brother isn't part of it, my other friends aren't part of it. i cannot stand existing in the same place as you. you make me want to fucking kill myself just so i won't have to deal with this anymore. this constant heartache. does it get you off? is that what this is? does it make you hard knowing how much power you have over me? i can't figure you the fuck out. it has to be a power trip. because if you were my FRIEND, if you were my friend, vince, you would never have sent me that text. i can't fucking stay here. i can't be here with you. i can't do it, and i won't. i need to leave. god i need to get out of here as fast as my fucking feet will carry me. it's you, vince. it's always been you. you are the fucking catalyst. i don't know how to be friends with you. i never have, and seems like i never will. i will not keep doing this to myself. because you are only one man. you WILL NOT make me do the things i used to do. i refuse to let you make me think and do the things i used to. i was going to say that i thought it was going to be okay this time. but it's a fucking lie. i thought i would come back here and we would be together. that's what i had deluded myself into thinking. i'm done. i have to be. i cannot do this with you again. i cannot. i will not. i do not want to. i am done. i'm done with this whole goddamn town. i never should have left. i never should have left. i never should have left. all i want is to wake up. wake up back in february. in january. and show myself a video of what my life has been since i've been back. show myself a video of all the atrocious things that i've had to endure. and it's only been a month and a half. jesus fucking christ, i never should have left. i want to wake up tomorrow and go see rosie schooley. that's all that i want. what a fucking clusterfuck of a mess. i can't do this. god i think i'm going to be sick. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 14th, 2011
10:43 am	i gotta get outta here and i'm begging you i'm begging you i'm begging you to be my escape (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2011
9:16 pm	i'm so unbelievably fucked up (Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2011
2:23 pm	i don't think i can do this. i think coming back here was a mistake. i've cried more in the last month than i have in the last year. i can't see you with your ex. it makes me unbearably uncomfortable. i've hung out with you twice. and both times have ended with me sobbing. i can't do it. when i was in florida, i had myself deluded that we weren't together because we were so far apart. "i don't know why your heart doesn't do what your minds tells it to" (Comment on this)
1:23 am	don't do this (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2011
11:48 pm	C.J. Cregg: They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men. Nancy McNally: So what do you want me to do about it? C.J. Cregg: How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the *right* people? Nancy McNally: This is the real world and we can't isolate our enemies. C.J. Cregg: I know about the real world and I'm not suggesting we isolate them. Nancy McNally: You're suggesting we eliminate them C.J. Cregg: I have a briefing... Nancy McNally: You're suggesting that... C.J. Cregg: I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here. Nancy McNally: You are right now. C.J. Cregg: It's the 21st Century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either. Nancy McNally: What's the point? C.J. Cregg: The point is that apartheid was an East Hampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1's to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg! Nancy McNally: [nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can. C.J. Cregg: They're beating the women, Nancy. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 29th, 2011
8:15 pm	CJ: What are you going to do in the campaign when the stories start coming out? Hoynes: Those stories? CJ: No, the other women. Hoynes: I haven't decided to run, I really- CJ: Because there have been other women, right? Lots of them, right? Because the way you came onto me...way too smooth, way too practiced- Hoynes: CJ, that was 10 years ago; I am sorry- CJ: When you run for President, the press is going to find some of those women. And if you try to attack them, if you get your opposition research team working on them, if you try to destroy them and say they're all bimbos and liars then I'll be right there with them and I'll be ready to take anything your people throw at me. Anything. So don't make me tell the truth about you, because it will be the whole truth. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2011
4:09 pm	The Fiery Cross: He took in everything, and seemed able to deal with whatever came his way, no matter how familiar or foreign to his experience. Maniac stallions, kidnapped priests, marriageable maidservants, headstrong daughters, and heathen sons-in-law...Anything he could not defeat, outwit, or alter, he simply accepted. "Aye, that's it." He sounded a little surprised. "I kent more or less what it would be like to be a man of thirty, or of forty-but now what?" His chest moved briefly, with a small noise that might have been a mixture of amusement and puzzlement. "You invent yourself," I said softly, to the shadows inside the hair that fallen over my face. "You look at other women-or men; you try on their lives for size. You take what you can use, and you look inside yourself for what you can't find elsewhere. And always...always...you wonder if you're doing it right." "That is what God is for. Worry doesna help-prayer does. Sometimes," he added honestly. ...well, if women's work was never done, why trouble about how much of it wasn't being accomplished at any given moment? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
9:28 pm	i've always had pretty vivid dreams and sometimes they even lead me to conclusions or make me confront feelings i didn't want to confront while awake last night was this: I'M TERRIFIED OF MOVING BACK HOME! that's what i shouted at my parents after they were done shouting at each other i'm completely fucking terrified. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 10th, 2011
10:25 am	it's official, i'm moving back to illinois. or, more accurately, i'm going home. that's what illinois is. i was going to say 'i really tried to make it work here' but that's a lie. i didn't really try at all. i made one friend outside of my family. and that wasn't really even a friendship outside of work. i've never been good at making friends. i cling to the outgoing people and hope that somewhere along the way, someone will realize how cool i am and befriend me. so. that's awesome. i'm really excited. and i'm really nervous. i'm nervous about leaving a job that i'm good at and that is decent. i'm really nervous about going home and being unemployed again. that shit sucked so hard the first time around. i'm nervous about moving in with my dad. into the house where my parents are no longer married. and meeting my dad's girlfriend. what the fuck? i don't want to meet her. just like i don't want to meet my mom's boyfriend. i'm nervous that all the friends i'm so excited to return to will all have moved on, and generally won't give a shit that i'm back. and now i'm nervous that my mom's gonna up and move to minnesota to be with marty. jesus. this might be a terrible idea. but i can't settle down here. florida is awful. ok. not all of it. but the people here are just....dumb. they're dumb and republican and close-minded and i can't stand this state. and if i don't get out of here soon, i'm going to sleep with kevin. because i'm that retarded. so no. moving is absolutely the right thing to do. i'm just nervous. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
4:45 am	and so there you go i miss you already and the things i never got to learn from you and all the time i took advantage of you think grandparents are going to live forever and now i have 3 that i'll never see again i love you grandma (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2011
12:29 pm	other times i'm caught off guard by how unbelievably miserable i am here what the fuck am i doing? (Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2011
10:49 pm	sometimes i'm still caught off guard by how much i love my goddaughter. it's just insane how much i love her, and how happy her mere existence makes me. (Comment on this)